There are things in life for which I expect to garner a certain amount of pity. You may or may not feel sorry for me that I’m confined to crutches but damn it, when I call and tell you there’s a snake outside my front door, I expect a sympathy bouquet from 1-800-FLOWERS to show up, pronto.

This is the story of the snake, but it could also be called, “How My Mom Failed Me.”