Entries in smug marrieds (140)

Wednesday
Jan232013

Smug Marrieds: What's In The Box?

He got me again.

When I arrived home today, there was a huge cardboard box leaning agains the front door, addressed to one Mr. Blair Harris. 

"Whadcha order? " I asked when he got home. 

"Oh man, yes!" he said. "I've been waiting for these to come in. New D&D figurines." 

"Are you serious?" I asked. "We're trying to sell the house, you know."

"I know!" he said. "I better get these guys set out pronto!" 

He disappeared upstairs with the box and a few minutes later I heard him cursing. 

"Damn it," he said, coming downstairs, carrying the opened box.  "This isn't what I ordered." 

"Aw, did they send you a Yoda figurehead by mistake?" There may have been a smidge of derision in my tone.

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Monday
Dec312012

Smug Marrieds: A Fitting Year End

Most bloggers round out the year with well wishes for their readers' good health and happiness. Not me. I'm ending with a Smug Married. What can I say? I'm a truth teller. 

Dena, arriving home from her afternoon workout, bursts in the door: Guess what? I deadlifted 185 today at Crossfit. 

Blair: That's great. 

Blair is cleaning the house, so Dena runs upstairs to grab the vacuum to help. On the way back down she accidentally swings the vacuum against the wall, almost taking out a piece of plaster. 

Dena: Oops. 

Blair: Woman, you're lying to me. I know you can't deadlift no 185 pounds when you can't even carry a vacuum down the stairs. 

And so the Smug Marrieds move on to 2013.

From our home to yours,


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

Sunday
Dec162012

Smug Marrieds: Pilot Mountain Challenge

At base camp with nowhere to go but up.This weekend Blair and I ran the Pilot Mountain 5-mile Ultimate Challenge. The race started at the campgrounds at Pilot Mountain and the trail wound its way to the peak. 

This marked the first time Blair and I have run a race together. We've been in races together before, but never stayed together. I was a little nervous that we'd end the day chucking pinecones at one another in a passive-aggressive fury. Blair was a little skeptical of the endeavor as well, especially when I kept nudging us closer to the front of the pack at the start line. 

"I like starting in the back," he said, pulling me back as I tried to elbow my way around some teens. "I enjoy going slow. You've got to get your mindset away from racing this thing."

I turned to him, took his hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Oh honey," I said. "If I were racing, I would have left you at home." 

We ended up having a great time, even if we didn't necessarily stay together the entire race. About halfway through, Blair got trapped behind a woman who was taking her time going up the mountain. I'd skipped around her earlier, chasing after the guy she'd started with who I'm assuming was her husband. 

Later, when I told Blair he should have gone around her, he jokingly said, "Where I was raised, people have manners. If they hear someone behind them, they step aside to make room without you having to ask."

"You don't have to make a big deal out of it," I said. "Passing is expected. What you should have done is politely tapped her shoulder and said, 'Excuse me, but I believe my wife is up there spanking your husband and I'd like to get around here and do the same to you.'" 

I'm not sure Blair's going to run races with me in the future. I just can't figure out why... 

Cheers,

Dena

Monday
Dec102012

Smug Marrieds: Face Lift

Sunday night, 5:40 pm. Harris residence. Christmas trees - fired up. Cats - snoozing.

Blair - relaxing in library. Dena - front room watching TV. All is well on nigh. Until...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dena: Blair! Blair, get in here! Now!

Blair: Why? (He no longer reacts to cries of panic, me having cried wolf one too many times during our many years of marriage. Sad.) 

Dena: I'm getting sucked into an infomercial. My powers to resist are fading. Get in here. 

Blair: What's it for?

Dena: I'm not sure. Some sort of face-lift-botox-stand-in-alternative-to-chemical-peel thingee. You can put it in the freezer. Looks cool. 

Blair: You don't need a face lift. (Sound of Wall Street Journal rustling as he turns a page.)

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Saturday
Nov032012

Smug Marrieds: We're Praying For You (Blair)

Driving to Asheville today, Blair at the wheel. The conversation turns (as it always does) to what he has to put up with, being married to me, and how I suspect people pity him on the sly. 

"Admit it," I said. "People are probably walking up to you going, 'You poor man. Here's a dollar. Why don't you buy yourself a coffee and at least get out of the house for a bit?'"

"Nah," Blair drawled in his North Carolina accent. "You forget we live in the Bible belt, sugah. What they usually say is, "We're praying the Lord calls one of you home, son, so you can be released from your pain." 

Almost threw up on myself, laughing. True story. 

Cheers,

Dena